Last year, I totally cut all forms of communication with my ex. After so many years, I found the courage to leave. Finally, I chose what’s best for me.
And that is to run away. Maybe not as fast, but as far as I can.
I vividly remember that day. After five months of no contact, he suddenly shoot a message, asking how I was. I hated the idea of blocking someone, no matter the situation calls for it. So during that time, I simply let his name get drowned by the new messages on my phone.
I let a couple of days pass by, contemplating whether or not I’ll reply. I was trying so hard to forget. I mean, after all, who says it’d be easy detaching yourself from someone special after six long years?
Nonetheless, I was sad during that time. So sad that I only longed for the happy times, totally dismissing how I prayed my way out of that relationship. And so…
My reply was sent.
I received his reply.
Of course, what a fool am I not to expect to be disappointed? But I was, and I didn’t mind. I only cared about the attention given to me by someone so familiar — someone who saw me laugh and cry, greeted me good morning and good night, that I became so dependent on it my world almost crashed when one day, I woke up and realized it was gone.
I only missed clinging onto someone so much, and he, clinging back to me as much. I didn’t mind that it felt wrong. In fact, it was so wrong on so many levels that I even agreed to seeing each other again.
But I was stronger this time, you know. Finally, I knew my limits. We saw each other twice that July; he was asking for a third time but I know there shouldn’t be one.
Finally, it struck me that I was just wasting my time. I hit that ignore button without any warning. I knew he’d be lost but c’mon, for a guy who cheated, gaslighted, and hit you, wasn’t it the bare minimum to do?
Also, I knew I needed help. When I went back to the University, I shared all my worries with a guidance counselor. I feel blessed that she was a big help. Most importantly, she affirmed that what I did was right — maintain no contact and never look back. Just keep moving forward.
Abide these, I must admit that before, I used to check my ignored messages. Even though I blocked his number, I still check if he sent another message. Oh, I blocked him too when he tried reaching me through email. And now, it became a habit to check the spam folder.
It’s been 11 months. Recently, this quarantine has gotten in my nerves. This creeping emptiness makes me stare on Messenger for a long time. How many clicks will it take to see those ignored messages? I’m longing for someone so familiar…
But no. I can’t. I’ve come this far and I’m never going back.