It takes a lot of energy and will power for me to start writing. Again. You know the feeling of being so down in a way that your world seems to crash… like no matter how hard you force your mind to think of positive and productive things, it just can’t. And of course, your body will follow too. You will see yourself lying down in bed for hours, trying hard to sleep because you just can’t. A lot of things run on your mind and if you say “shhhh”, those thoughts will stop, but only for a moment. You can’t eat properly though your hands are still there and your mouth functions well. But you feel like when you take in food, your insides will just spit it out. You’re whole and you’re hungry but you just can’t eat.
These are the things that happened to me after a breakup with my first boyfriend. And I’m trying so hard to hold back the tears as I write. We were together for more than five years; we texted every day, every hour you might say. We see each other almost every day even with our busy and not matching schedules. So when he left me, I feel so incomplete. It’s like a big part of me was missing.
I got so unfocused and distracted in a bad way. I lost my purpose; I don’t know what to think of the future. I feel like I always need somebody to talk to. I feel like I need to go out often and spend time with friends just to stop these monsters in my mind. Every day when I wake up, I am always thinking of ways on how to make the hours pass. What should I do this time to keep me distracted from the pain? Whom should I talk to right now to vent out my bitterness?
Yes, I admit I am so bitter about this. Yet I also know that I have to embrace this bitterness and fully accept and cry out all the pain so I could fully move on. I must accept that for days, I could not eat nor sleep properly because it’s a damn part of the aftershock. I must accept that for several days, I could not do anything productive when I am alone. I must accept that I crave for things to distract me from the pain. And the worst part of it, I must accept that people are not always there to comfort me when I needed it most.
After all these, I also know that one day, and I hope it will be soon, I will be able to fully stand strong on my own. To not think of him in any way and just focus on my own growth and improvement as an individual. To stop picturing him as a part of my future, like we used to talk about it before. To clear my mind of all the pain, bitterness, and longing every single day. To be truly happy with being myself, like I used to before I met him.
I have to settle these things with myself; I have to befriend me. No matter how hard it may be, I have to love me. Again. I have to think that my life depends on how I perceive it to be. I have to really feel that happiness is a choice, and right now, it must be my only choice.
I can think of the breakup in two ways: it hurts so much because he left me at this supposed-to-be happy season or it is the perfect timing to live a better life as the new year begins. I can be happy with the time I own in my hands at the moment – no school, no work, just home. However, the reality is that this time allowed me to think so much of the pain – of the feeling that I was dumped. I was abandoned by someone whom I thought I was going to marry someday.
Nevertheless, in my so-in-pain state right now, I would like to strive hard to live the saying, “the mind is a powerful thing”. I have to pick up the broken pieces by myself. Most importantly, I have to beat myself back up. I have to drill in my skull that this year, I will be a better individual. Like there is no missing piece, at all. I will get back my peace of mind and the joy in my heart which were lost in that more than half a decade relationship.
Lastly, in this moment of embracing my pain, agony, and bitterness, I would like to quote that,